Sunday, September 13, 2009

Jennifer's Body

Okay, so who's not excited about the upcoming "Jennifer's Body"? True, it likely won't be hardcore horror, but one of the hottest screenwriters (Diablo Cody) and likely the hottest chick (Megan Fox)? This one's a no-brainer!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Terror Trivia Tidbit

Due to its shoestring budget, the prop department on "Halloween" (1978) had to use the cheapest mask that they could find in the costume store: a Captain Kirk (William Shatner) mask. They later spray-painted the face white, teased out the hair, and reshaped the eye holes.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

"The Final Destination"

Title: "The Final Destination"
Released: 2009

Shitty acting, a laughable plot, and possibly the most one-dimensional characters to ever feature in a 3-D film. That almost sums this one up, and it would be an unforgivable waste of money if anyone actually expected fantastic acting, an inventive storyline, and character depth. But no one goes to see a "Final Destination" movie for anything but elaborate, creative, and brutal death scenes--something this flick actually delivers.

The plot goes something like this: group of friends goes to a Nascar race, one of them foresees a crash, said group of friends cause a ruckus and get kicked out of the race along with several random people (so as to increase the number of killings), and the crash comes to be. The characters beat death, which then relentlessly hunts them down and dispatches them for the remainder of the film. Some of the group band together and try to fool the Grim Reaper in an attempt to disrupt the order of deaths and, therefore, avoid their respective demises. Sound familiar? Yup, we've seen this one three times before.

This is one movie that actually benefits from its 3-D format (unlike "My Bloody Valentine", a total flop!). It adds a visual depth and interactive feel lacking in flicks that use 3-D as a cheap gimmick. Die-hard horror/gore fans will definitely appreciate watching a douchebag get his internal organs sucked out through his ass, a racist get dragged down the street and burned alive by his own (unmanned) tow truck, and several other gruesome spectacles.

Bottom line: Please, please don't go into this one expecting anything more than some vicious gore. If you're still in, go see it in the theater if for no other reason than to celebrate the glorious return of 3-D to the horror genre on the big screen.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Discarded Livers.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Five Creepy Characters

We horror fans all have different things that spook us, whether it be clowns, masked maniacs, crazy old ladies, rabid animals, or any other number of celluloid creations. Below are five of my creepiest characters in the history of horror:

5) Movie: "Pet Sematary" (1989)
Character: "Zelda"

Ok, so who wasn't creeped out by this paper-thin, bony, spine-twistingly venomous freak? Cackling old ladies always freak me out, especially deformed ones that want to maim you. Zelda scores extra points for being portrayed by a man.

4) Movie: "Dead Silence" (2007)
Character: "Mary Shaw"

"Beware the stare of Mary Shaw..." begins this tale of the ghost of an insanely vengeful ventriloquist that was brutally murdered and has come back to silence every member of the family that persecuted her. Aside from being another ultra-freaky old woman with a maniacal smile, Mary's method of execution involved ripping out her victim's tongue. Gurgle gurgle gurgle!

3) Movie: "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (1971)
Character: "Willy Wonka"

Forget the Everlasting Gobstopper, Fizzy Lifting Drinks, or that gum that's a four-course meal--this film's greatest creation was Willy Wonka himself. Gene Wilder was an absolute revelation in this film, his portrayal of Wonka leaving us with the certainty that no one else could possibly have played this character (as we later dismally learned with no less than Johnny Depp's abysmal failure in the 2005 remake). Wilder's persona is intrinsically connected with Wonka in much the same way as Anthony Hopkins/Hannibal Lecter and Robert De Niro/Travis Bickle. So where's the creepiness? How about the fact that Willy lives in an isolated candy factory with a host of orange and green midgets as his only company? Or that he seems to be delighted that children are dropping like flies throughout his tour? Then what about the way he seems to give a shit about no one's safety throughout the entire film, taking them on what is still the creepiest boat ride this side of "Apocalypse Now"? This flick is as timeless as Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon", and will likely be terrorizing youngsters for generations to come. A deliciously decadent film.

2) Movie: "The Shining" (1980)
Character(s): The Grady Twin Daughters

If Willy Wonka didn't freak you out, you were likely not a child that was faint of heart. If these little girls didn't give you nightmares, you need to have your fucking head examined! There is nothing about the twins that is not terrifying, from the way they speak together in voices that manage to be both sing-song and monotonous to them making an extra-wide hallway u-turn so they could remain side-by-side. Oh, and they also appear in all their bloody, butchered gory (I meant "glory"). I was seven years-old when I first caught this movie, and I still list it as my all-time scariest.

1) Movie: "The Exorcist III" (1990)
Character: The Gemini Killer

For all intents and purposes, this character was actually portrayed by Brad Dourif, Jason Miller, an old lady, a disembodied voice in a church confessional...you get the idea. The aggregate effect of these elements is the single creepiest character in horror film history--able to strike through anyone, at any time, and linked to the present by Father Damien Karras (who was present at the original exorcism in "The Exorcist" in 1973). Whether it be his dynamic conversation with Lt. Kinderman in the padded cell, his confession in the church, or his appearance as a crazy old lady crawling on the ceiling in the hospital, the Gemini Killer keeps you on the edge of your seat, but peering through your fingers, throughout the entire film. One of the most underrated horror performances ever.

So there's bound to be alot of disagreement, but please leave a post about your creepiest character? Bye for now.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

"30 Days of Night"

Title: "30 Days of Night"
Released: 2007

To say this movie is kind of lame would be like saying that Paris Hilton is a bit superficial. Josh Hartnett stars (in the barest sense of the word) as the Sheriff of a remote Alaskan town that is on the verge of entering its annual month of continuous darkness (hence the title). It seems that most of the townsfolk get the hell out of dodge for the month, leaving a bare "skeleton crew" of people to hold down the fort. In a pathetic attempt at character development and injecting some plotline, Melissa George portrays Stella, Sheriff Oleson's estranged wife who had come to town secretly on some fire marshall business and did not manage to fly back out before all forms of transport out of town were shut down. Cue the awkwardness when she has to stay until the month passes. From here on, the story pretty much goes like this: a band of vicious vampires descend upon the villagers to revel in 30 days of coffin-less bliss and carnage while the Sheriff tries to figure out a way to defeat them and save as many people as possible.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like my vampire flicks to have at least a little of the traditional philosophical, existential focus. Part of the allure of vampirism lies in the creature as a sophisticated charmer with supernatural powers over the living, but with no choice as to immortality. Movies such as "Interview with the Vampire" (1994) and Bram Stoker's "Dracula" (1992) explore the tragedy that comes along with eternal life, casting the vampire as a much more sympathetic figure. Not here apparently, as the vampires (who do speak their own language) seem to be nothing but ferocious feeding machines (kind of like sharks that can walk around and breathe). While this kind of brutal, single-minded creature can be very interesting in the right circumstances (for example, if there were a plot or a backstory), it just doesn't work here. If I wanted to watch animalistic predators devour defenseless prey, I'd watch the Discovery Channel. This film has absolutely no substance whatsoever. Even its attempt at an unpopular, uncompromising ending proved clumsy and amateurish.

Bottom Line: Don't waste your time. Really.

Rating: 0.5 out of 5 Shitty Vampire Movies.