The Dread Shed

"Jeepers Creepers" (2001)

2011-05-25T17:50:00.001-05:00

“Jeepers Creepers” is, beneath the surface, an oddly brilliant flick. Not because of the storyline (which is shit); the acting (which is horse-shit); the character development (which is non-existent); the clever comments comparing occurring events to those in a horror movie (which are shitty cliches); or, the fucktarded “psychic” that shows up out of nowhere and happens to be able to explain approximately one-tenth of the shit that’s happening. What makes this movie special is the fact that, in spite of being terrible in nearly every other way, it manages to deliver on atmosphere alone. Sure, the Creeper sort of resembles the Creature from the Black Lagoon with wings and a skullet, but his M.O. of performing vivisection on unsuspecting people in order to eat their body parts makes him eerily interesting. Plus, the way he likes to sniff decapitated heads and Justin Long’s dirty laundry is ultra-creepy. The whole “cat lady” sequence is pleasantly disturbing, from our antagonist posing as a scarecrow to him making the crazy old bitch “float” out towards the door. More props for the oddly sewn-together, patchwork corpses and the “cathedral” of human remains that would make Ed Gein and Buffalo Bill proud. Toss in the dodging of a predictable, cop-out ending and you have something that’s more than merely palatable. Big style points for this one, even with the aforementioned flaws. Not a total waste of your time, and better than some of the drivel that’s been passed off as horror in the past few years.

Rating: 3 out of 5 bloody scalpels.

Who wants some more???

2011-05-23T21:45:00.003-05:00

Considering a return if I can devote the time and generate some interest. I haven't posted in a year and a half, but my love for all things horror is stronger than ever and I still average 3-4 movies a week. New reviews and features to follow!!!
Your faithful servant

Jennifer's Body

2009-09-13T21:09:00.003-05:00

Okay, so who's not excited about the upcoming "Jennifer's Body"? True, it likely won't be hardcore horror, but one of the hottest screenwriters (Diablo Cody) and likely the hottest chick (Megan Fox)? This one's a no-brainer!

Terror Trivia Tidbit

2009-09-11T22:57:00.001-05:00

Due to its shoestring budget, the prop department on "Halloween" (1978) had to use the cheapest mask that they could find in the costume store: a Captain Kirk (William Shatner) mask. They later spray-painted the face white, teased out the hair, and reshaped the eye holes.

"The Final Destination"

2009-09-08T15:45:00.004-05:00

Title: "The Final Destination"
Released: 2009

Shitty acting, a laughable plot, and possibly the most one-dimensional characters to ever feature in a 3-D film. That almost sums this one up, and it would be an unforgivable waste of money if anyone actually expected fantastic acting, an inventive storyline, and character depth. But no one goes to see a "Final Destination" movie for anything but elaborate, creative, and brutal death scenes--something this flick actually delivers.

The plot goes something like this: group of friends goes to a Nascar race, one of them foresees a crash, said group of friends cause a ruckus and get kicked out of the race along with several random people (so as to increase the number of killings), and the crash comes to be. The characters beat death, which then relentlessly hunts them down and dispatches them for the remainder of the film. Some of the group band together and try to fool the Grim Reaper in an attempt to disrupt the order of deaths and, therefore, avoid their respective demises. Sound familiar? Yup, we've seen this one three times before.

This is one movie that actually benefits from its 3-D format (unlike "My Bloody Valentine", a total flop!). It adds a visual depth and interactive feel lacking in flicks that use 3-D as a cheap gimmick. Die-hard horror/gore fans will definitely appreciate watching a douchebag get his internal organs sucked out through his ass, a racist get dragged down the street and burned alive by his own (unmanned) tow truck, and several other gruesome spectacles.

Bottom line: Please, please don't go into this one expecting anything more than some vicious gore. If you're still in, go see it in the theater if for no other reason than to celebrate the glorious return of 3-D to the horror genre on the big screen.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Discarded Livers.

Five Creepy Characters

2009-09-03T13:54:00.005-05:00

We horror fans all have different things that spook us, whether it be clowns, masked maniacs, crazy old ladies, rabid animals, or any other number of celluloid creations. Below are five of my creepiest characters in the history of horror:

5) Movie: "Pet Sematary" (1989)
Character: "Zelda"

Ok, so who wasn't creeped out by this paper-thin, bony, spine-twistingly venomous freak? Cackling old ladies always freak me out, especially deformed ones that want to maim you. Zelda scores extra points for being portrayed by a man.

4) Movie: "Dead Silence" (2007)
Character: "Mary Shaw"

"Beware the stare of Mary Shaw..." begins this tale of the ghost of an insanely vengeful ventriloquist that was brutally murdered and has come back to silence every member of the family that persecuted her. Aside from being another ultra-freaky old woman with a maniacal smile, Mary's method of execution involved ripping out her victim's tongue. Gurgle gurgle gurgle!

3) Movie: "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (1971)
Character: "Willy Wonka"

Forget the Everlasting Gobstopper, Fizzy Lifting Drinks, or that gum that's a four-course meal--this film's greatest creation was Willy Wonka himself. Gene Wilder was an absolute revelation in this film, his portrayal of Wonka leaving us with the certainty that no one else could possibly have played this character (as we later dismally learned with no less than Johnny Depp's abysmal failure in the 2005 remake). Wilder's persona is intrinsically connected with Wonka in much the same way as Anthony Hopkins/Hannibal Lecter and Robert De Niro/Travis Bickle. So where's the creepiness? How about the fact that Willy lives in an isolated candy factory with a host of orange and green midgets as his only company? Or that he seems to be delighted that children are dropping like flies throughout his tour? Then what about the way he seems to give a shit about no one's safety throughout the entire film, taking them on what is still the creepiest boat ride this side of "Apocalypse Now"? This flick is as timeless as Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon", and will likely be terrorizing youngsters for generations to come. A deliciously decadent film.

2) Movie: "The Shining" (1980)
Character(s): The Grady Twin Daughters

If Willy Wonka didn't freak you out, you were likely not a child that was faint of heart. If these little girls didn't give you nightmares, you need to have your fucking head examined! There is nothing about the twins that is not terrifying, from the way they speak together in voices that manage to be both sing-song and monotonous to them making an extra-wide hallway u-turn so they could remain side-by-side. Oh, and they also appear in all their bloody, butchered gory (I meant "glory"). I was seven years-old when I first caught this movie, and I still list it as my all-time scariest.

1) Movie: "The Exorcist III" (1990)
Character: The Gemini Killer

For all intents and purposes, this character was actually portrayed by Brad Dourif, Jason Miller, an old lady, a disembodied voice in a church confessional...you get the idea. The aggregate effect of these elements is the single creepiest character in horror film history--able to strike through anyone, at any time, and linked to the present by Father Damien Karras (who was present at the original exorcism in "The Exorcist" in 1973). Whether it be his dynamic conversation with Lt. Kinderman in the padded cell, his confession in the church, or his appearance as a crazy old lady crawling on the ceiling in the hospital, the Gemini Killer keeps you on the edge of your seat, but peering through your fingers, throughout the entire film. One of the most underrated horror performances ever.

So there's bound to be alot of disagreement, but please leave a post about your creepiest character? Bye for now.

"30 Days of Night"

2009-09-01T13:51:00.005-05:00

Title: "30 Days of Night"
Released: 2007

To say this movie is kind of lame would be like saying that Paris Hilton is a bit superficial. Josh Hartnett stars (in the barest sense of the word) as the Sheriff of a remote Alaskan town that is on the verge of entering its annual month of continuous darkness (hence the title). It seems that most of the townsfolk get the hell out of dodge for the month, leaving a bare "skeleton crew" of people to hold down the fort. In a pathetic attempt at character development and injecting some plotline, Melissa George portrays Stella, Sheriff Oleson's estranged wife who had come to town secretly on some fire marshall business and did not manage to fly back out before all forms of transport out of town were shut down. Cue the awkwardness when she has to stay until the month passes. From here on, the story pretty much goes like this: a band of vicious vampires descend upon the villagers to revel in 30 days of coffin-less bliss and carnage while the Sheriff tries to figure out a way to defeat them and save as many people as possible.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like my vampire flicks to have at least a little of the traditional philosophical, existential focus. Part of the allure of vampirism lies in the creature as a sophisticated charmer with supernatural powers over the living, but with no choice as to immortality. Movies such as "Interview with the Vampire" (1994) and Bram Stoker's "Dracula" (1992) explore the tragedy that comes along with eternal life, casting the vampire as a much more sympathetic figure. Not here apparently, as the vampires (who do speak their own language) seem to be nothing but ferocious feeding machines (kind of like sharks that can walk around and breathe). While this kind of brutal, single-minded creature can be very interesting in the right circumstances (for example, if there were a plot or a backstory), it just doesn't work here. If I wanted to watch animalistic predators devour defenseless prey, I'd watch the Discovery Channel. This film has absolutely no substance whatsoever. Even its attempt at an unpopular, uncompromising ending proved clumsy and amateurish.

Bottom Line: Don't waste your time. Really.

Rating: 0.5 out of 5 Shitty Vampire Movies.

Five Flicks with Excellent Endings (Spoilers)

2009-08-30T14:44:00.006-05:00

While a movie may have many memorable moments, it is often the ending that has the most impact on viewers. Maybe it's because that's where the story is supposed to tie together or because it's the last impression left upon us, but it's not uncommon for a flick to be judged mostly for its final frames. Here are five films that wrapped up in truly excellent fashion (spoilers follow!):

5. "The Blair Witch Project" (1999) - Sure, this one had a lot going for it before it even hit theaters. Innovative marketing including a mock-umentary on the legend of the Blair Witch had aficionados drooling for what they thought would be the ultimate in reality media. What the film delivered was about 81 minutes of tension-filled build-up followed by five minutes of stark, raw terror. Who can forget the creepy revelation of the remaining cast reaching the broke down house in the heart of the woods? Or how about Heather finding Mike facing the corner in the basement just before the camera drops? Truly frightening.

4. "The Mist" (2007) - This film is just plain fucking scary. A mysterious storm, a possible government black project, eighty community members trapped in a grocery store while alien-like killer creatures lurk in the gathering fog, an impromptu religious cult uprising among the store's inhabitants. Not quite enough? How about five people deciding their fates with just four bullets in order to avoid a horrific death by the mist's dwellers? Thought so. That's just hardcore.

3. "Frailty" (2001) - Matthew McConaughey stars as the son of a serial killer known as "The God's Hand". McConaughey seeks out an FBI investigator to tell the story of how his father, fueled by religious visions, murdered people he was convinced were demons as God's holy agent on Earth. This one is a tight, edge-of-your-seat thriller where the tension slowly builds throughout the course of the film as the two characters feel one another out and the true nature of the "confession" emerges. This flick embodies creepiness in a dark, moody package.

2. "Saw" (2004) - If you're anything like me, you spent most of the second half of this movie thinking, "If the killer is really 'Zep', this movie fucking sucks!" You then followed this up with "Holy shit!!" as soon as the credits began to roll. Who is Jigsaw?? Not who you think...

1. "The Others" (2001) - In some people's minds, this movie will forever be linked to "The Sixth Sense" due to some similarity in their endings. And that's a shame, because this is the much better flick. Anyone watching this one knows that there are ghosts in the mansion. The piano and the locked/unlocked door alone are proof of that. The mysterious servants, photo albums of dead folks, the darkened interior of the estate, the fog that surrounds the home's grounds--those help to provide 101 minutes of the eeriest moments committed to celluloid. And whose graves are those under the dried leaves on the outskirts of the yard? Well, that's just the icing on the cake.

"Halloween II"

2009-08-28T17:16:00.005-05:00

Title: "Halloween II"
Released: 2009

Some people love remakes, some people hate them, and some people really don't care much one way or the other. These people's opinions don't apply here because THIS IS NOT A REMAKE. No, again, this is not a remake. This is not a test. This is the real fucking thing!

Laurie Strode is one seriously fucked-up girl. Immediately following the events of Zombie's 2007 remake, she is found by Sheriff Brackett wandering down the road, still clutching the gun she used to shoot Michael Myers, and taken away to the hospital in an hysterical state. As Laurie is hustled down the sterile hallway while strapped to a gurney and screaming bloody murder, we first realize that this is not your father's "Halloween" movie. Not that there was anything wrong with your father's "Halloween" movie, but this one cranks up the terror notch and rips it off the fucking control. This is how you would expect a real person to respond to the physical and psychological damage she endured encountering Michael Myers in the finale of the 2007 film. Zombie manages to inject a gritty sense of reality into the film that is lacking in so many flicks, and he doesn't stop with Laurie. Nearly everyone in this one manages to convey the actual horror that is being confronted, and that horror is the new and improved Michael Myers.

A word about Michael. Gone is the expressionless, emotionless, near-catatonic Michael of 1978--this Michael Myers is sheer brutality and evil incarnate. Whether he's viciously and repeatedly hammering a butcher knife into someone's face while making animalistic grunts, dismembering and devouring a dead dog, or sawing a paramedic's head off with a piece of broken glass, Myers has clearly taken his game to the next level. Before, he was relentless in his pursuit of victims. Now he seems determined to obliterate and annihilate them beyond recognition. Michael's level of ferocity here is unmatched in any of the previous "Halloween" films.

One year after the events of "Halloween" (2007), Laurie has healed physically but is deeply damaged psychologically. After the death of her parents, she has moved in with Sheriff Brackett and his daughter Annie (Laurie's friend who also bears scars on her face from her run-in with Michael). Laurie has vivid nightmares and sees a therapist regularly to help her obtain closure, something that is nearly impossible as Michael's body went missing and has not yet been found. Dr. Samuel Loomis, portrayed again by Malcolm McDowell, has attempted to cash in on his brief celebrity by writing a book about Myers and is currently busy doing press for its October 31st release. Zombie takes Loomis to a place we've never seen his character go in previous "Halloween" films--one of a man motivated by greed for financial profit and celebrity. Donald Pleasence's Loomis always radiated an intense, if strange, sense of responsibility, altruism, and urgency when dealing with the subject of Michael Myers. Here Dr. Loomis takes a severe beating on the publicity circuit as he is pretty much resoundly blamed for the events of last Halloween. Subject matter and certain revelations in Loomis' book, coupled with the return of Michael from a year of hiding in a barn, collide on that magic date in Haddonfield, IL and mayhem ensues.

What strikes me most about Zombie's story is the emphasis he has placed on Michael's motivation for stalking and brutally murdering everything and everyone in an attempt to find his sister. This is done in majestic fashion as we actually see through the killer's eyes, away from the evil and towards his mother and the child he once was himself. Zombie manages to provide eerie visualization to Michael's mission and sense of purpose. This is not simply a dead-eyed killing machine--it is a little boy that wants his family back. Michael wants to put the pieces back together and regain the only things for which he cared. Thus we see the most vicious, yet most human villain of any of the "Halloween" installments.

Bottom Line: While some purists will no doubt trash this since it was not made in 1978, "Halloween II" (2009) is a unique addition to one of the greatest horror franchises ever created. This film manages to convey the utter sense of terror and impotence of fighting a losing battle with pure evil. It is absolutely unapologetic and devoid of any hope. And it's really fucking good. Not to be missed by those wondering where all the good horror movies are nowadays.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Bloody Masks.

"Dawn of the Dead" (1978)

2009-08-28T00:10:00.005-05:00

Title: "Dawn of the Dead"
Released: 1978

"When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth." So eloquently stated and so true in the case of this flick. In fact, this is the only plausible hypothesis set forth to explain the re-animation of corpses in this installment of George Romero's "______ of the Dead" zombie series. With the recent resurgence of zombies in popular culture (the publishing of "Breathers", "World War Z", and "Patient Zero" and the release of such films as the forthcoming "Zombieland"), I thought it would be nice to revisit one of the subgenre's classics.

Roger is a hotshot, wannabe zombie-killing bad boy who whoops and hollers like he's being jerked off by a chimpanzee every time he gets excited about his mission of stopping the undead. Peter is a black, badass warrior who luckily avoids all racial stereotypes by being able to dunk a basketball and having a grandfather in Trinidad that was a voodoo priest. Stephen is a pilot and a complete pussy who probably annoyed me less in life than he did as a zombie (sorry for the spoiler, but you just know this guy's not gonna make it). Rounding out the main cast is Francine. Her main function, other than learning to fly the helicopter, seems to be drinking wine and smoking cigarettes while pregnant. In an attempt to evade the zombies that are quickly taking over their local area, our foursome find themselves holed up in the one place that mindless people always seem to flock--a shopping mall. There they, um, kill zombies and try to stay alive. That is the beauty and simplicity of this film--there is no intricate plot, just straight-up, hardcore violence. Eventually a wannabe Hell's Angels motorcycle gang decides that they want to cohabitate with our main characters in the mall with disastrous results.

This film begs a few questions and hammers home a few key points:

-If you're going to hide out from zombies in a shopping mall, try to pick one with an indoor ice rink and a supermarket where you can buy in bulk.

-Speaking of the ice rink, zombies really suck at hockey.

-At what point do you become a liability to your zombie-killing team? I vote for whenever you get bitten and have to be carted around like a fucking baby in a makeshift Radio Flyer.

-1978 had some badass technology including the best video game graphics this side of the Atari 2600 and a pair of walkie-talkies the size of smart cars.

-Zombies seem to like intestines much better than brains.

-Zombies do not discriminate along religious lines--this flick contains a zombie nun and an undead Hare Krishna (who, by the way, resembles Marilyn Manson with no hair, blue skin, and glasses).

-Zombies are so much cooler when they amble about aimlessly. They're scarier when they can run, but cooler when they're slow.

-When motorcycle gangs aren't being generally destructive or killing/damaging others, they like to brush up on their clowning by spraying seltzer water and throwing pies into the faces of zombies.

This film is a true classic, and I'm not going to go into any thesis about the evils of consumerism and the fact that this movie takes place in a mall. After all, who doesn't want to run around an empty shopping mall? Oh, and the creepiest moment of this film has nothing to do with zombies. It occurs when Peter offers to perform an impromptu, illegal abortion on Francine.

Bottom line: One of the best zombie films ever made. Don't miss this one.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Disabled Zombie Brains.

Terror Trivia Tidbit

2009-08-27T19:26:00.001-05:00

During preproduction of "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (1992), director Francis Ford Coppola came up with the idea that when in the presence of a being such as a vampire, the laws of physics don't work correctly. This is why shadows often seem to act independently of the figure casting them, why rats can run along a ceiling upside-down and why liquid drips up instead of down.
Source: IMDb

One You Might Have Missed

2009-08-25T22:32:00.004-05:00

Title: "Dark City"
Released: 1998

Starring Kiefer Sutherland, Rufus Sewell, and William Hurt, "Dark City" is an absolutely breathtaking Sci-fi/Horror flick. John Murdoch is living a surreal, nightmarish existence in an urban landscape that never experiences sunlight. Memories of his life seem unreal and fabricated and he finds himself in the middle of a mystery in which he is a suspected murderer. Without giving too much away, "Dark City" is an example of a man trying to understand the strange forces that lurk just beneath the semblance of reality and work to actively shape the world's destiny. Released a year before "The Matrix", this one is by far the superior film. Even Roger Ebert called this the best film of 1998, and it just may be. Do yourself a favor and check this one out soon. A fantastic example of an original story brought to life with excellent visuals and decent acting.

"Inglourious Basterds"

2009-08-21T16:21:00.006-05:00

Title: "Inglourious Basterds"
Released: 2009

I really dug that film "Swing Kids" (1993). Remember, Christian Bale and Robert Sean Leonard played two German youths during WWII that resisted becoming Nazi youth and held illegal swing dance parties, much like modern raves? As much as I loved it, however, something always bugged me about it. How about NONE OF THE FUCKING ACTORS SPOKE GERMAN!!!! These were supposed to be German kids, yet not one of them even had a German accent when they spoke English. Great movie otherwise.

What does this have to do with "Inglourious Basterds"? To start, over half of the movie is subtitled as there are actually German and French actors onscreen. This brings me to my second point. While Tarantino could literally have had his pick of Hollywood A-Listers drooling for a role, he did what I believe to be the right thing--he cast excellent foreign actors to play characters of their own nationality. This gave the film a much more realistic feel (as realistic as you can get for a Tarantino flick!!). In fact, other than Brad Pitt, most casual moviegoers will likely recognize maybe Mike Myers in his small role. Some fans will recognize Eli Roth, writer/director of "Hostel" and "Hostel II" and a Tarantino pal, who has a major role as "The Bear Jew". Not to take anything away from Quentin's earlier films (which starred no less then Robert De Niro, Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Darryl Hannah, Harvey Keitel, Steve Buscemi...), but casting outside of Hollywood works in this movie because the real-life personalities of the actors do not influence the way you view their characters. And, let's face it, Tarantino is absolutely tops when it comes to character depth and development, "Inglourious Basterds" being no exception. From Pitt's "Aldo the Apache" to Roth's "Bear Jew" to "Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz" to "Col. Hans Landa", this one is chock full of eccentric, individualistic, and entertaining characters. And that's no small feat when you consider that Joseph Goebbels and Adolf Hitler both feature as well.

Pitt's turn as Lt. Aldo Raine is destined to go down as one of his most memorable creations (along with, of course, Tyler Durden). While "Reservoir Dogs", "Pulp Fiction", and the "Kill Bill" films are virtual quote-fests, Pitt has most of the quippable quips here. In a film where German and French are spoken as freely as English, this is not surprising. It may, however, surprise some that the film is so excellent without some of the dialogue typical of a Tarantino flick (Samuel L. Jackson's "quarter pounder with cheese" discussion, Steve Buscemi's explanation as to why he doesn't tip waitresses). This film is a perfect example of great characters that move within a stellar storyline and push the plot to a satisfying conclusion. It is a testament to the film's greatness that it keeps you engaged for the entire 150 minutes. There doesn't seem to be any fat to trim away and the film definitely does not drag in any part.

While there was a film released in 1978 called "The Inglourious Bastards", this IS NOT A REMAKE OF THAT FILM. This one is a Tarantino original. Sectioned into chapters, it is the tale of a group of Jewish American soldiers (the Inglourious Basterds) behind enemy lines in Nazi-occupied WWII France whose only purpose is killing Nazis. Pitt is their commander and toes the line expertly between the campiness of his role and the seriousness of his character's conviction. The Basterds are planning to target some high-level Nazis at the premiere of a new German film commissioned by no less than Joseph Goebbels himself that tells the tale of a Nazi war hero that killed hundreds of people from a sniper's nest in Italy at the beginning of the war (the war hero actually plays himself in the film-within-a-film). Along the way, they are hunted by Col. Hans Landa, "The Jew Hunter" of the German Nazi party. As is typical with Tarantino, there are several subplots of differing importance, but they all come together beautifully at the film's climax. This one is a gem and actually betters my previous film-of-the-year, "District 9" (which was only released last week!).

Bottom Line: This one is a no-brainer. A phenomenal film with excellent acting and a devilishly clever plot. Don't miss it.

Rating: 5 out of 5 Nazi scalps.

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2"

2009-08-21T04:39:00.007-05:00

So having just watched "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (1974) two nights ago, I thought it entirely appropriate to watch the sequel last night. Filmed in 1986, this one stars the always wonderfully insane Dennis Hopper (think of the ether-huffing Frank in "Blue Velvet") as the uncle of Sally and Franklin from the first film (you'll remember that Franklin was ceremoniously skewered on Leatherface's power tool). Sally escaped and survived the first film, but fell into a catatonic state at a mental hospital as the result of the trauma of that ordeal. Hopper plays Lefty, a former Texas State Trooper and current Lieutenant Detective of a local police precinct who has an understandable interest in the most recent spate of chainsaw murders. Teaming up with a sexy female local radio DJ, Stretch, who accidentally caught two teenagers' murders on the air, Lefty looks to find the cannibalistic family and take them out for good.

This film has some fundamental differences from the original. For one, the original was meant to inspire stark terror and view almost like a documentary. Part 2 doesn't take itself too seriously as Hopper's character is wonderfully campy (who can't love the scene where he purchases three chainsaws and then hacks the shit out of that poor piece of wood in front of the chainsaw store? And where the fuck else in the world have you ever seen an all-chainsaw store?). The flick could very well have been ruined in the hands of a lesser actor, but Hopper is awesome. Secondly, Leatherface is much different in the follow-up. No, he's still retarded. And yes, he still wears other people's skin on his face, but he shows what seems to be either a twinge of conscience or a retarded schoolboy's crush on our DJ Stretch, using his chainsaw as a phallus in a couple of scenes. He also refuses to kill her when ordered by his family. The old Leatherface would have had that chick on a fucking meathook faster than you could say "Black and Decker." Lastly, Bill Moseley is a fucking revelation as Chop-Top, Leatherface's absolutely demented, Vietnam Vet (complete with a visible metal plate in his head), skin-eating (and I mean his own skin) brother. Moseley seemingly studied the Hitchhiker from the first film and thought "I wanna do that, only a thousand times more bat shit and for the entire film." This fucking guy spends a significant portion of the flick toting around a decomposing corpse. His performance undoubtely swayed Rob Zombie when deciding to cast Moseley as Otis Driftwood in 2003's "House of 1,000 Corpses" and 2005's "The Devil's Rejects".

This film is extremely enjoyable if you go into it with the right mindset. If you're looking for a realistically horrifying vision in the vein of the first installment, you will no doubt be disappointed. This one is more akin to Shaun of the Dead or The Evil Dead 2--gory and silly, but fun and way over the top.

Bottom Line: Essential viewing for all "Chainsaw" fans. It doesn't hurt this film's cause that Part 3 sucked donkey dick.

Rating: 3 out of 5 bloody razors.

"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (1974)

2009-08-20T09:35:00.008-05:00

Okay, so I watched the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" last night and just had to ring in with some thoughts:

1) Marilyn Burns is not only the original scream queen (apologies to Jamie Lee Curtis, a quality runner-up), she is also the I'm-a-psychotic-traumatized-crazy-bitch-you-better-lock-away-for-good queen. She so completely conveys the gritty sense of raw terror that was necessary for the role.

2) I have to admit that, even though I knew it was coming, I couldn't wait for Leatherface to carve up Franklin (incidentally, the film's only actual death by chainsaw). After all this guy's incessant whining, who wouldn't want to see him catch a saw in the teeth. Don't remember? Let me remind you: "You don't think that hitchhiker would follow us, do you? I mean, hell, he'd have no way to find us. He'd probably be scared that Kirk would kill him." You get the point.

3) No matter how many times I see it, it is still quite horrifying when Grandpa comes alive whilst sucking blood out of Sally's finger. Finding out that he's still alive was kind of like when they found the "Sloth" victim in "Se7en". Freaky shit.

4) Edwin Neal is absolute gold as the hitchhiker. His character truly portrays the lunacy of the family. Who can forget him sprinkling gunpowder on the polaroid and burning it on a piece of tinfoil? Or when he uses Franklin's knife to cut himself. Or when he cuts Franklin. And all of this within five minutes. A delicious appetizer of crazy before we get to the main course.

5) Why the fuck is that fat chicken in such a small cage? I know Leatherface and his family aren't exactly animal activists, but that's just ridiculous.

Anyways, it's nice to revisit the classics from time to time. Do you have any strange or rambling thoughts on this flick? Blah Blah for now.

"Nature's Grave" Review

2009-08-18T13:20:00.004-05:00

Title: "Nature's Grave"
Year: 2008

I'd like to start off this review by apologizing to Mother Nature for all the cigarette butts I've ever thrown out my car window, for contributing to global warming by driving an SUV, for not actively going out and planting trees, etc. Apparently, she gets pissed at times and I don't want to be on the receiving end!

Peter and Carla, whose marriage is on its proverbial last leg, decide to "put $10,000 of camping equipment on their credit card" and set off for a remote beach on the Australian coast. Apparently, weekend warrior and wannabe nature cowboy Peter (with his habits of littering and firing his daddy's old rifle at random things) is excited about the surfing and the couple is planning to meet up with friends at a gas station in town so they can all go together. Their buddies never make it and Peter decides to head off without them. The pair end up in an isolated spot with a gorgeous beach and (gulp) plenty of wildlife. From here, the couple's strained relationship collapses on itself while nature seems to be taking revenge on these thoughtless humans in the form of a rampant ant colony, dangerous waves, and one pissed-off sea cow.

Though Jim Caviezel has portrayed Jesus Christ on-screen, he is no saint or savior in this one. His portrayal of the arrogant, self-centered Peter has you rooting for Mother Nature. While this definitely made me more sympathetic for Carla, she has her moments as well. This film is altogether uncomfortable and unsettling to the viewer, but not in a turn-it-off-and-watch-Forensic-Files-instead way. These traits are entirely intentional as there is a strong connection between the darkness emerging in Peter and Carla and the catastrophic natural (or unnatural?) events that occur. It may be simplistic to say that the couple is causing nature to react in a negative way--it is more accurate to observe that there is a sort of cyclical synergy between the pair and the great outdoors that seemingly brings out the worst in all parties involved. The entire situation seems to devolve throughout the course of the film before free-falling into an ending that blindsides you at 100 mph. You just know this one's not going to get any prettier, but you have to see what happens next.

Bottom Line: A slow, grating, nearly excruciating film to watch. And I mean that in the best possible way. To coin a cliche, this flick does for camping what "Jaws" did for going into the water. Seriously.

Rating: 3 out of 5 pissed-off sea cows.

Terror Trivia Tidbit

2009-08-17T15:24:00.002-05:00

In 1988's "Child's Play", Chucky's full name, Charles Lee Ray, is derived from the names of notorious killers Charles Manson, Lee Harvey Oswald, and James Earl Ray.

A-List Celebrities and their Brushes with the Horror Genre

2009-08-16T12:23:00.023-05:00

A-List actors have tough lives. They live and die by the projects they choose and they are slaves to box office totals. In addition, they can't just go hang out in public without having to worry about a bunch of fans swarming them and demanding autographs. And though they pretty much have their pick of films nowadays, this was not always the case. Nay, some of our most famous and recognizable box office heroes found themselves "slumming" in the world of horror while they were getting their start. Following is a partial list of such folks, including their respective flicks and television appearances:

-Jennifer Aniston: Before such smashes as "Marley and Me" and "Along Came Polly", This "Friend" of ours graced the big screen in 1993's "The Leprechaun", her feature debut and the first film to be released in 1993 on 1/01/93.

-Kevin Bacon: This ubiquitous actor starred as Chip Diller in 1978's "Animal House", but that is not why he made the list. Bacon's appearance in 1980's "Friday the 13th" cemented his place here. Other horror sightings: Kevin joined an early stage, all-star cast in 1990's "Flatliners" (along with two others included below"). He also turned in his finest horror performance in 1999's uber-creepy, highly underrated "Stir of Echoes", one of my personal favorites.

-Jim Carrey: This guy is an Oscar-caliber actor. His performance as the late Andy Kaufman in 1999's "Man on the Moon" was deserving of an Academy Award, and he was absolutely robbed. Before he was dazzling moviegoers with his unique brand of physical comedy, Carrey was a hungry young actor (no pun intended) who starred opposite Lauren Hutton in 1985's "Once Bitten", a campy film about a female vampire that needs to find and feed on the blood of a virgin in order to keep her eternal beauty.

-George Clooney: Clooney has to be one of the most powerful people in Hollywood. He's starred in the "Ocean's Eleven" franchise, several Coen Brothers' films, "Syriana", "Michael Clayton", "The Perfect Storm"...the list goes on and on. He's also an acclaimed director ("Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" and "Leatherheads"). George is also the picture of humility, something rare for someone so huge in the entertainment industry. So why is he here? Prior to his stint as Booker Brooks on "Roseanne", Clooney appeared in 1987's "Return to Horror High", a fun romp about a film crew that decides to make a movie based on some serial murders that took place at the fictional Crippen High School some years prior. Incidentally, this film also featured Maureen McCormick (that's Marsha Brady to you) as a police officer. George also featured in 1988's "Return of the Killer Tomatoes!" and 1996's "From Dusk Till Dawn".

-Johnny Depp: Johnny is unique in this category as he apparently landed his first role by accident. That's right, Johnny decided to accompany his friend Jackie Earle Haley to auditions for "A Nightmare on Elm Street" to lend support. Director Wes Craven spotted Johnny, decided to cast as him as Glen Lantz, and the rest is history. In an interesting sidebar, Jackie Earle Haley will be starring as Freddy Krueger in a 2010 remake of the original "A Nightmare on Elm Street". While it is unquestionable that Depp is one of the most sought-after talents in the business today, he has remained true to his roots by continuing to dabble in the horror genre with such films as "The Ninth Gate", "The Astronaut's Wife", "Sleepy Hollow", "From Hell", Secret Window", and "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street".

-Matthew McConaughey: Alright, alright, alright. Have you ever seen one of McConaughey's horror films? It'd be a lot cooler if you did! While his role as David Wooderson in Richard Linklater's fantastic 1993 effort "Dazed and Confused" put him on the map, it was his turn as Vilmer in 1994's "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation" that earned McConaughey his horror stripes. Intended to be the "real" sequel to the original "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", this film flew under the radar even in horror circles. Definitely largely overlooked, but still a cult favorite, this one co-starred one other on our list. McConaughey also gets points for starring in another largely unheralded horror gem, 2001's "Frailty".

-Jason Patric: Okay, so he may not be nearly as big a star as any of the others on our list, but Patric has definitely made a name for himself in Hollywood and, like everyone else in the world, has been in a movie with Kevin Bacon (1996's "Sleepers"). However, his role in that film came a solid nine years after Patric's role as Michael in 1987's "The Lost Boys", not so much a movie as a rite of passage for those of my generation. We've all seen this one. And if you haven't, stop reading now and go watch it. Actually, you can finish this post, but then go straight to the video store.

-Brad Pitt: What do I have to say about this guy. To coin a cliche, women want him and men want to be him. To paraphrase Tyler Durden, he looks like you want to look, fucks like you want to fuck, and fights like you want to fight. This guy can do whatever the hell he wants nowadays, but what did he start out doing? How about an episode of the ill-fated series "Freddy's Nightmares" in 1989. Or an installment of "Tales From the Crypt" in 1992. True, he wasn't exactly setting the world of horror on fire, but Pitt returned to the genre in outstanding form as Louis in Anne Rice's 1994 masterpiece "Interview with the Vampire", one of the best vampire movies ever. He then went on to star in one of my personal favorites, 1995's "Se7en" with Morgan Freeman. While this one is technically a psychological thriller, it is disturbing enough (in the same vein as "Silence of the Lambs") that I include it in the horror genre. Not too shabby.

-Julia Roberts: 1990 saw Julia's Hollywood coming-out party with her starring role in "Pretty Woman". This same year, however, Roberts co-starred in the fantastic "Flatliners" with two others on this list. This tale of a group of medical students cheating death to catch a glimpse of the afterlife remains a classic to this day. Julia returned to horror for the titular role in 1996's "Mary Reilly", a variation on the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde legend co-starring John Malkovich.

-Kiefer Sutherland: Best known today as Jack Bauer from the series "24", Kiefer has a long and storied history in the horror genre. To start, he appeared alongside Jason Patric in 1987's "The Lost Boys", possibly the coolest vampire flick ever made. Kiefer then joined Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon in 1990's "Flatliners". Sutherland went on to star in 1998's completely underrated and absolutely fantastic flick "Dark City". Lastly, Sutherland appeared in 2004's thriller "Taking Lives" and 2008's "Mirrors".

-Renee Zellweger: Renee has graced the screen along with a virtual who's who list of Hollywood's A-List--Tom Cruise, Matthew McConaughey, Jim Carrey, Catherine Zeta-Jones, George Clooney, Jude Law, Morgan Freeman, Liv Tyler...and so on, and so on. One of her earliest projects matched her up with McConaughey in 1994's "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation". As mentioned above, this film is a delightful romp through the world of our favorite cannibalistic Texan family. Zellweger also featured in 1997's extremely taut and competent thriller "Deceiver".

Well, there you have it. Hopefully you'll decide to check out some of the afore-mentioned stars in all their horror glory. You won't be disappointed!!

Bonus: So how many of our stars have been in movies with Kevin Bacon???

-Jennifer Aniston starred alongside Bacon in 1997's "Picture Perfect".

-Jim Carrey has not co-starred with Bacon.

-George Clooney has not co-starred with Bacon.

-Johnny Depp has not co-starred with Bacon.

-Matthew McConaughey has not co-starred with Bacon.

-Jason Patric co-starred with Bacon in 1996's "Sleepers".

-Brad Pitt also starred alongside Patric and Bacon in "Sleepers".

-Julia Roberts co-starred with Bacon in 1990's "Flatliners".

-Kiefer Sutherland also starred alongside Roberts and Bacon in "Flatliners". In addition, Sutherland and Bacon co-starred in 1992's "A Few Good Men". Incidentally, Kevin Bacon and Kiefer's father Donald Sutherland both starred in Oliver Stone's 1991 masterpiece "JFK".

-Renee Zellweger co-starred in 2009's "My One and Only" with Bacon.

So there it is. More information about Bacon than you ever wanted to know. Goodbye and blah blah for now.

"District 9"

2009-08-14T13:38:00.011-05:00

If I had to describe this film in one word, it would be "outstanding." If I had to do it in two words, I would say "fucking outstanding."

Twenty years prior, an alien mothership came to a halt in the airspace directly over Johannesburg, South Africa. When the ship had shown no signs of movement for three months after coming to perch (or hover, I guess), humans broke into it in and found a tired and frightened race of aliens. These were, at first glance, not your telekinetic, telepathic, super-advanced extraterrestrials. They even scurried to hide in the dark from the invading humans. It seems that a part of their ship integral to its functioning had fallen to Earth, leaving them stranded and helpless. From this point, the aliens were "re-settled" into District 9, a large area in South Africa segregated from the human population.

Leap forward twenty years to the present. District 9 has devolved into a veritable slum, a la the "City of God." Here aliens mix with Nigerian rebels who profit through trading weapons with "non-humans" and providing them with cat food (which is apparently an alien treat). The shady MNU coroporation is taxed with the responsibility of relocating the non-human population from the slums of District 9 to a "concentration camp-like" District 10 (albeit with a sweet little brochure), complete with rows and rows of tidy, identical white tents. Hapless and bumbling MNU employee Wikus Van De Merwe is promoted by his father-in-law to be in charge of the eviction and re-location. On the first day of eviction, Wikus has an accidental exposure to an unidentified fluid and begins to slowly transform from human to alien, sprouting a claw in place of his injured human hand. MNU develops alternate plans for Wikus as he is now the only human who can operate alien weaponry (which is, incidentally, much more powerful than the human-kind and was developed so that it can only be used by those with the extraterrestrial biological make-up). He has become the key to the exploitation of non-human technology by MNU, and he is worth more dead than alive. Wikus must now turn to the only place where he can regain his human form and reclaim his life: District 9.

Going into this movie, I (correctly) took for granted that the special effects and action sequences would be stellar. While the creatures are mostly CGI, they exude a genuine feel rather than coming off too sterile or digital. The heart of this movie is the story of a relationship between individuals of different species, an alliance that is mutually beneficial (or more precisely, absolutely necessary) yet potentially deadly. This is not just a film about aliens--it is a story of humanity and inhumanity. And, as would likely be the case, the humans are the most inhumane. This plot echoes every time in history that one particular group (whether it be racial, religious, socioeconomic) has been exploited, segregated, or systematically exterminated by others. The "non-humans" in this movie are the World War II-era Jews under Nazi law. They are the pre-Civil War-era African-Americans in the USA. They are the innocent civilians in Darfur. Their population is decimated and they are driven to crime through deliberate segregation and poverty. Twenty years prior, they just wanted to go home. In the present, they just want to survive and avoid persecution. That "District 9" was filmed in actual shacks in a section of Johannesburg is a testament to the reality that is reflected throughout the film. This subject is expertly handled by writer Neill Blomkamp, who grew up experiencing apartheid in South Africa.

In all other aspects this flick rates as a top notch Sci-fi/Horror/Action hybrid. It is an overall fantastic cinematic achievement, and it gives us promise for a sequel (PLEASE!!!!).

Bottom Line: Sorry, I shot my wad explaining the film. Do not miss this movie. And see if you can avoid clapping by the time the credits roll.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 dead flies.

My Five Fave Horror Actors

2009-08-13T11:15:00.006-05:00

Okay, so these are guys that aren't typically going to be nominated for Academy Awards (although one Oscar winner is on this list). They are, for the most part, passionate actors that toil away in our small horror corner of the universe. While most of them have been in several mainstream films, it is specifically for their horror performances that they were chosen for this honor. Most of them have at least one flick in mind, one character that was so convincing, that they won my heart and the hearts of countless aficianados. So, without further adieu, I bring you my five fave horror actors:

5) George C. Scott - Georgie-boy has the distinct honor of having starred in two of my favorite, psychologically thrilling flicks: "The Changeling" and "The Exorcist III". His intensity and dedication to his characters are unflinching and he is extremely effective in conveying the slight sliver of madness in the hearts of all men. Who can forget Lt. Kinderman's monologue about the carp in his bathtub in "The Exorcist III"?
**Finest moment: His turn as the movie-loving, priest-chumming hardass in "The Exorcist III".

4) Sid Haig - Sid was a horror icon long ago, but it was his role as Captain Spaulding in Rob Zombie's "House of 1,000 Corpses" that cemented his legend. Haig stole the show and made his character a household name for horror fanatics. While he reprised his role for Zombie's 2005 sequel "The Devil's Rejects", it was his genius in the first film that sticks with us. Sid also starred in 2006's "Night of the Living Dead 3D".
**Finest moment: What else? 2003's "House of 1,000 Corpses".

3) Donald Pleasence - Another popular actor who was a staple in horror flicks from way back, it was Pleasence's bordering-on-insanity intensity as Dr. Samuel Loomis in the "Halloween" franchise that brought him to a new level of prominence. Pleasence was so effectively absorbing as Loomis that it would not be a surprise if he continued to search for Michael Myers after the director yelled, "Cut!". Pleasence brought something to the "Halloween" franchise that was lacking in most of the other major horror franchises--a worthy adversary for the villain. Loomis was intrinsically linked to Michael Myers on a very deep psychological level, bringing a depth of humanity to Myers. It's just too bad that he wasn't around to star in Rob Zombie's rather competent 2007 remake of "Halloween", the role going to Malcom McDowell. R.I.P. Dr. Loomis!!
**Finest moment: 1978's "Halloween".

2) Jack Nicholson - So here we come to an anomaly. An Oscar-winning actor who is entirely mainstream and is not know for his work in the horror genre. While Nicholson is an amazingly versatile leading man who has done everything (and everyone) there is to do in Hollywood, he only needed one role to make it onto my list. His turn as Jack Torrance in Stanley Kubrick's 1980 masterpiece "The Shining" was possibly the greatest performance in the history of horror cinema (and damn near close to the greatest in all of cinema!!). Nicholson is a one-man tour-de-force of insanity, his character migrating from a down-on-his-luck, likeable aspiring writer to the obsessed incarnation of evil slowly throughout the film. In the hands of a lesser actor, this would not have worked (see "Steven Weber" in the jerk-off miniseries remake). But Nicholson allows Torrance's madness to slowly percolate during the course of the film in expert fashion. For my money, the scariest and most effective horror film of all time, due in large part to Nicholson's genius.
**Finest moment: "I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just gonna bash your brains in. Bash them right the fuck in.", from 1980's "The Shining.

1) Brad Dourif - We've made it to number one. If Nicholson gave the one-off greatest horror performance ever, Dourif's resume is a virtual checklist for horror fanatics. The "Child's Play" franchise. "Blue Velvet". "Graveyard Shift". "Urban Legend". "The Wizard of Gore". In addition, he has the distinction of starring in a trifecta of my fave horror flicks--1990's "The Exorcist III"; Dario Argento's 1993 unheralded gem "Trauma"; and, 1997's absolutely underrated "Nightwatch". Dourif is capable of an almost undreamed-of level of creepiness, captivating the audience whenever he is on-screen.
**Finest moment: Discussing the astonishing effect of draining a victim's body of all its blood as the Gemini Killer in "The Exorcist III".

Incidental crossovers:

-Jack Nicholson and Brad Dourif starred together in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest".

-Brad Dourif and Donald Pleasence both featured in films in the "Halloween" franchise, Pleasence as Dr. Loomis in the original films and most of the sequels and Dourif as Sheriff Lee Bracket in Rob Zombie's 2007 remake.

"The Signal"

2009-08-11T22:37:00.004-05:00

So I just finished watching 2007's "The Signal" and a few things are running through my brain. First, a quick synopsis: A mysterious signal has been broadcast through television, radio, and telephone that turns people into paranoid psychotics, complete with hallucinations, delusions, and homicidal behavior. At the center of our story is Mya, a woman who is unhappy in her marriage to Lewis and is having an affair with Ben. Mya is reluctant to leave Lewis even though Ben truly has her heart. Once the signal has been broadcast, our story spins out of control and everyone's grip on reality slips.

This movie had the potential to fail on several levels. However, it managed to convey the apocalyptic events with a measure of levity and humanity. We see the characters as they truly are, human beings faced with an impossible crisis. The best comparison I can make is "Shaun of the Dead" mixed with "28 Days Later". Some of the most intense moments occur when the characters are mired in deep psychosis and are exhibiting delusions regarding the identities of those around them. While it all sounds rather confusing (and it is), this movie delivers. I believe it is destined to become a cult classic among horror fans.

Bottom Line: Not to be missed. You won't regret the time you spend on this one and it just might be one of the most fun movies you'll see in a while.

Rating: 4 out of 5 bloody knives.

How to not be a Horror Snob

2009-08-11T16:54:00.006-05:00

Let's face it, no one likes a snob. Snobs don't even like themselves most of the time. What snobs do like is ruining a good time for other people. While there are snobs in all areas of life, horror snobs bother me more than most (likely because I'm such a horror nut and try to be open-minded). There are several different types of horror snob that vary by sub-genre, director preference, country of (a movie's) origin, and so on. Following are a few of the most blatant examples:

1) Anti-Hollywood Snob - This breed is distrustful of any horror film that a) gets a widespread theatrical release, b) features popular actors, or c) is in any way not an independent film. These people like their films to be limited release or shown only at film festivals. Occasionally, straight-to-DVD releases are okay, too.
*Proof that they're wrong: 2009's "Orphan", 1999's "The Sixth Sense".

2) "_____ of the Dead" Snob - This particular brand of snob only appreciates George Romero zombie films and thinks that other zombie films either suck or contain creatures that are not "technically" zombies (such as "28 Days Later"). Their favorite flicks usually read like this: "Night of the Living Dead"; "Day of the Dead"; "Dawn of the Dead"; "Diary of the Dead"...
*Proof that they're wrong: 1994's "Cemetery Man"; 2004's "Shaun of the Dead" (this one is deceptive because of its title, but is actually a spoof).

3) Remake Snob - This is the person who hates either a) remakes of old American films ("Friday the 13th"; "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"; "Halloween") or b) American remakes of foreign films ("Quarantine"; "The Grudge"; "The Ring").
*Proof that they're wrong: Rob Zombie's 2007 version of "Halloween"; 2002's "The Ring".

4) Foreign Snob - We all know one of these. This snob believes that a movie cannot possibly be good if it is made in America. These are people that like to read films rather than books. Are there some absolutely excellent foreign horror films? Of course there are, including classics such as "Suspiria"; "A Chinese Ghost Story"; and, "Zombi 2" and more recent flicks such as 2006's "Cold Prey"; 2007's "Rec"; and, 2008's "Let the Right One In". But it's silly to assume that every horror film made in America is complete shit.
*Proof that they're wrong: Umm, "The Exorcist"; "The Shining"; "Halloween". I'm gonna stop now.
**Interestingly, there is a cross-breed here of those snobs who doubly despise American remakes of foreign flicks. I guess you'd call that "snob overlap".

5) Low-Budget Snob - This type of snob shuns all flicks with a budget larger than, say, "The Blair Witch Project". While it's true that too much CGI can ruin any flick, there are actually some big-budget horror flicks that are quite excellent. To be fair, it is extremely impressive when a low-budget film proves to be stellar, and there are examples of this--the afore-mentioned "Blair Witch Project" cost $22,000 to make and brought in an astonishing $240.5 million dollars!! Brad Anderson's "Session 9" is another example of a beautiful film that didn't break the bank.
*Proof that they're wrong: 1986's "Aliens", 1997's "Event Horizon".

The bottom line that is there are excellent films to be found almost anywhere you look. While some people don't like to read subtitles and others don't like their special effects to be any more elaborate than latex and corn syrup, it's important to give films of all sub-genres a chance. Remember, nobody likes a snob!!!
Blah Blah for now.

It's a great time to be a horror fan!

2009-08-10T14:27:00.006-05:00

With "Orphan", "The Collector", and "A Perfect Getaway" having just been released, you would think that any horror fanatic would be thrilled to have so many mainstream flicks out there (especially when one is as delightfully gory as "The Collector"!!) But that's just the start as summer turns to fall. This friday, 8/14/09, we can look forward to Peter Jackson's "District 9", a big-screen tale of aliens struggling to co-exist with humans on our planet.

Two weeks later, Rob Zombie's "H2" and "The Final Destination" (in 3-D) hit the theaters. Unlike Zombie's 2007 remake of the original "Halloween", "H2" is an original movie written by Zombie itself which he describes as "totally different from anything else in the series." I, for one, am stoked to see Zombie add to the "Halloween" legend with his own spin on events after Michael Myers' initial return to Haddonfield! As far as "The Final Destination", it is truly wonderful to see the resurgence of 3-D films (in the horror genre as well as more mainstream films) that seems to have been kicked off with this year's "My Bloody Valentine." This film promises to be an adrenaline rush of action as well as gore.

September 4, 2009 will see the release of "Carriers", a tale of four kids driving through the desert in an attempt to escape from a viral pandemic that is threatening the entire human race. The buzz is that this one will be a nail-biter!

So happy viewing, everybody. I will be enjoying this part of the season and will return soon with new reviews. Blah Blah for now!

Terror Trivia Tidbit

2009-08-10T14:24:00.003-05:00

Gunnar Hansen was asked to reprise the role of Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), but declined, claiming that he was insulted by the idea of the original 1974 film being remade. Good call, Gunnar!!

"Hush"

2009-08-09T13:15:00.001-05:00

The good news is that "Hush" delivers 83 minutes of nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat excitement and tension, building a plot that keeps you guessing the whole time. The bad news is that this movie is 88 minutes long and, you guessed it, the last five minutes were the worst. Watching this flick was like eating a nice, giant piece of fudge and then washing it down with a turd--it's mostly enjoyable, but the ending leaves a really bad taste in your mouth!

It starts out with a man and his girlfriend, whose relationship is already on the outs, driving down the highway so the man can stop at every gas station and rest stop to put up poster advertisements (that job in itself would be horrifying enough). A white semi truck in front of their car swerves and the back of the truck rolls up ever so briefly, but just long enough for our protagonist to catch a glimpse of a woman chained in a cage. As his girlfriend was asleep at the time, he has to relay the incident to her. While he calls the police to report what he has seen, the man cannot read the truck's license plate and gives up on helping after making the call. This infuriates his girlfriend who promptly leaves his ass at the next rest stop. The problem is that she soon becomes the next victim in our villain's cage. From here on out, our hero is hell-bent on saving his girl and his relationship.

I know, it sounds like a decent enough plot, and it is. It quickly devolves, however, when it becomes clear that there are people involved other than the truck driver. Just when all signs point to a clear-cut, full-blown conspiracy, the movie abruptly ends without answering any questions. While some fans may appreciate being left to draw their own conclusions, I am not one of them. This movie screamed for a well-written and thoughtful ending. It's like the team of writers got to that part and were so pleased with what they had done, they just said, "Fuck it." It's not avante-garde and it's not "mysterious." When you're making a movie like this, it's downright irresponsible.

A few points about this gem:

1) Who was the security guard that seemed to know everything about the girlfriend's disappearance and was willing to kill the other security guard to cover it up??

2) Who was the chick that was seemingly a victim, then switched to an accomplice with no warning?

3) Who was the truck driver and what was his motivation? And if you can't tell us who he is, at least let us know what he wants.

4) Why did the man want his girlfriend back after he found out another guy fingered her the night before?? (okay, that's forgivable because her life is on the line).

Bottom Line: A rather solid flick until the last five to ten minutes. Short enough to take in if you're curious, just don't expect too much in terms of plot substance. There's really not much gore, either.

Rating: 2 out of 5 rusty nails.