"The Final Destination"

Title: "The Final Destination"
Released: 2009

Shitty acting, a laughable plot, and possibly the most one-dimensional characters to ever feature in a 3-D film. That almost sums this one up, and it would be an unforgivable waste of money if anyone actually expected fantastic acting, an inventive storyline, and character depth. But no one goes to see a "Final Destination" movie for anything but elaborate, creative, and brutal death scenes--something this flick actually delivers.

The plot goes something like this: group of friends goes to a Nascar race, one of them foresees a crash, said group of friends cause a ruckus and get kicked out of the race along with several random people (so as to increase the number of killings), and the crash comes to be. The characters beat death, which then relentlessly hunts them down and dispatches them for the remainder of the film. Some of the group band together and try to fool the Grim Reaper in an attempt to disrupt the order of deaths and, therefore, avoid their respective demises. Sound familiar? Yup, we've seen this one three times before.

This is one movie that actually benefits from its 3-D format (unlike "My Bloody Valentine", a total flop!). It adds a visual depth and interactive feel lacking in flicks that use 3-D as a cheap gimmick. Die-hard horror/gore fans will definitely appreciate watching a douchebag get his internal organs sucked out through his ass, a racist get dragged down the street and burned alive by his own (unmanned) tow truck, and several other gruesome spectacles.

Bottom line: Please, please don't go into this one expecting anything more than some vicious gore. If you're still in, go see it in the theater if for no other reason than to celebrate the glorious return of 3-D to the horror genre on the big screen.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Discarded Livers.

Five Creepy Characters

We horror fans all have different things that spook us, whether it be clowns, masked maniacs, crazy old ladies, rabid animals, or any other number of celluloid creations. Below are five of my creepiest characters in the history of horror:

5) Movie: "Pet Sematary" (1989)
Character: "Zelda"

Ok, so who wasn't creeped out by this paper-thin, bony, spine-twistingly venomous freak? Cackling old ladies always freak me out, especially deformed ones that want to maim you. Zelda scores extra points for being portrayed by a man.

4) Movie: "Dead Silence" (2007)
Character: "Mary Shaw"

"Beware the stare of Mary Shaw..." begins this tale of the ghost of an insanely vengeful ventriloquist that was brutally murdered and has come back to silence every member of the family that persecuted her. Aside from being another ultra-freaky old woman with a maniacal smile, Mary's method of execution involved ripping out her victim's tongue. Gurgle gurgle gurgle!

3) Movie: "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (1971)
Character: "Willy Wonka"

Forget the Everlasting Gobstopper, Fizzy Lifting Drinks, or that gum that's a four-course meal--this film's greatest creation was Willy Wonka himself. Gene Wilder was an absolute revelation in this film, his portrayal of Wonka leaving us with the certainty that no one else could possibly have played this character (as we later dismally learned with no less than Johnny Depp's abysmal failure in the 2005 remake). Wilder's persona is intrinsically connected with Wonka in much the same way as Anthony Hopkins/Hannibal Lecter and Robert De Niro/Travis Bickle. So where's the creepiness? How about the fact that Willy lives in an isolated candy factory with a host of orange and green midgets as his only company? Or that he seems to be delighted that children are dropping like flies throughout his tour? Then what about the way he seems to give a shit about no one's safety throughout the entire film, taking them on what is still the creepiest boat ride this side of "Apocalypse Now"? This flick is as timeless as Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon", and will likely be terrorizing youngsters for generations to come. A deliciously decadent film.

2) Movie: "The Shining" (1980)
Character(s): The Grady Twin Daughters

If Willy Wonka didn't freak you out, you were likely not a child that was faint of heart. If these little girls didn't give you nightmares, you need to have your fucking head examined! There is nothing about the twins that is not terrifying, from the way they speak together in voices that manage to be both sing-song and monotonous to them making an extra-wide hallway u-turn so they could remain side-by-side. Oh, and they also appear in all their bloody, butchered gory (I meant "glory"). I was seven years-old when I first caught this movie, and I still list it as my all-time scariest.

1) Movie: "The Exorcist III" (1990)
Character: The Gemini Killer

For all intents and purposes, this character was actually portrayed by Brad Dourif, Jason Miller, an old lady, a disembodied voice in a church confessional...you get the idea. The aggregate effect of these elements is the single creepiest character in horror film history--able to strike through anyone, at any time, and linked to the present by Father Damien Karras (who was present at the original exorcism in "The Exorcist" in 1973). Whether it be his dynamic conversation with Lt. Kinderman in the padded cell, his confession in the church, or his appearance as a crazy old lady crawling on the ceiling in the hospital, the Gemini Killer keeps you on the edge of your seat, but peering through your fingers, throughout the entire film. One of the most underrated horror performances ever.

So there's bound to be alot of disagreement, but please leave a post about your creepiest character? Bye for now.

"30 Days of Night"

Title: "30 Days of Night"
Released: 2007

To say this movie is kind of lame would be like saying that Paris Hilton is a bit superficial. Josh Hartnett stars (in the barest sense of the word) as the Sheriff of a remote Alaskan town that is on the verge of entering its annual month of continuous darkness (hence the title). It seems that most of the townsfolk get the hell out of dodge for the month, leaving a bare "skeleton crew" of people to hold down the fort. In a pathetic attempt at character development and injecting some plotline, Melissa George portrays Stella, Sheriff Oleson's estranged wife who had come to town secretly on some fire marshall business and did not manage to fly back out before all forms of transport out of town were shut down. Cue the awkwardness when she has to stay until the month passes. From here on, the story pretty much goes like this: a band of vicious vampires descend upon the villagers to revel in 30 days of coffin-less bliss and carnage while the Sheriff tries to figure out a way to defeat them and save as many people as possible.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like my vampire flicks to have at least a little of the traditional philosophical, existential focus. Part of the allure of vampirism lies in the creature as a sophisticated charmer with supernatural powers over the living, but with no choice as to immortality. Movies such as "Interview with the Vampire" (1994) and Bram Stoker's "Dracula" (1992) explore the tragedy that comes along with eternal life, casting the vampire as a much more sympathetic figure. Not here apparently, as the vampires (who do speak their own language) seem to be nothing but ferocious feeding machines (kind of like sharks that can walk around and breathe). While this kind of brutal, single-minded creature can be very interesting in the right circumstances (for example, if there were a plot or a backstory), it just doesn't work here. If I wanted to watch animalistic predators devour defenseless prey, I'd watch the Discovery Channel. This film has absolutely no substance whatsoever. Even its attempt at an unpopular, uncompromising ending proved clumsy and amateurish.

Bottom Line: Don't waste your time. Really.

Rating: 0.5 out of 5 Shitty Vampire Movies.

Five Flicks with Excellent Endings (Spoilers)

While a movie may have many memorable moments, it is often the ending that has the most impact on viewers. Maybe it's because that's where the story is supposed to tie together or because it's the last impression left upon us, but it's not uncommon for a flick to be judged mostly for its final frames. Here are five films that wrapped up in truly excellent fashion (spoilers follow!):

5. "The Blair Witch Project" (1999) - Sure, this one had a lot going for it before it even hit theaters. Innovative marketing including a mock-umentary on the legend of the Blair Witch had aficionados drooling for what they thought would be the ultimate in reality media. What the film delivered was about 81 minutes of tension-filled build-up followed by five minutes of stark, raw terror. Who can forget the creepy revelation of the remaining cast reaching the broke down house in the heart of the woods? Or how about Heather finding Mike facing the corner in the basement just before the camera drops? Truly frightening.

4. "The Mist" (2007) - This film is just plain fucking scary. A mysterious storm, a possible government black project, eighty community members trapped in a grocery store while alien-like killer creatures lurk in the gathering fog, an impromptu religious cult uprising among the store's inhabitants. Not quite enough? How about five people deciding their fates with just four bullets in order to avoid a horrific death by the mist's dwellers? Thought so. That's just hardcore.

3. "Frailty" (2001) - Matthew McConaughey stars as the son of a serial killer known as "The God's Hand". McConaughey seeks out an FBI investigator to tell the story of how his father, fueled by religious visions, murdered people he was convinced were demons as God's holy agent on Earth. This one is a tight, edge-of-your-seat thriller where the tension slowly builds throughout the course of the film as the two characters feel one another out and the true nature of the "confession" emerges. This flick embodies creepiness in a dark, moody package.

2. "Saw" (2004) - If you're anything like me, you spent most of the second half of this movie thinking, "If the killer is really 'Zep', this movie fucking sucks!" You then followed this up with "Holy shit!!" as soon as the credits began to roll. Who is Jigsaw?? Not who you think...

1. "The Others" (2001) - In some people's minds, this movie will forever be linked to "The Sixth Sense" due to some similarity in their endings. And that's a shame, because this is the much better flick. Anyone watching this one knows that there are ghosts in the mansion. The piano and the locked/unlocked door alone are proof of that. The mysterious servants, photo albums of dead folks, the darkened interior of the estate, the fog that surrounds the home's grounds--those help to provide 101 minutes of the eeriest moments committed to celluloid. And whose graves are those under the dried leaves on the outskirts of the yard? Well, that's just the icing on the cake.

"Halloween II"

Title: "Halloween II"
Released: 2009

Some people love remakes, some people hate them, and some people really don't care much one way or the other. These people's opinions don't apply here because THIS IS NOT A REMAKE. No, again, this is not a remake. This is not a test. This is the real fucking thing!

Laurie Strode is one seriously fucked-up girl. Immediately following the events of Zombie's 2007 remake, she is found by Sheriff Brackett wandering down the road, still clutching the gun she used to shoot Michael Myers, and taken away to the hospital in an hysterical state. As Laurie is hustled down the sterile hallway while strapped to a gurney and screaming bloody murder, we first realize that this is not your father's "Halloween" movie. Not that there was anything wrong with your father's "Halloween" movie, but this one cranks up the terror notch and rips it off the fucking control. This is how you would expect a real person to respond to the physical and psychological damage she endured encountering Michael Myers in the finale of the 2007 film. Zombie manages to inject a gritty sense of reality into the film that is lacking in so many flicks, and he doesn't stop with Laurie. Nearly everyone in this one manages to convey the actual horror that is being confronted, and that horror is the new and improved Michael Myers.

A word about Michael. Gone is the expressionless, emotionless, near-catatonic Michael of 1978--this Michael Myers is sheer brutality and evil incarnate. Whether he's viciously and repeatedly hammering a butcher knife into someone's face while making animalistic grunts, dismembering and devouring a dead dog, or sawing a paramedic's head off with a piece of broken glass, Myers has clearly taken his game to the next level. Before, he was relentless in his pursuit of victims. Now he seems determined to obliterate and annihilate them beyond recognition. Michael's level of ferocity here is unmatched in any of the previous "Halloween" films.

One year after the events of "Halloween" (2007), Laurie has healed physically but is deeply damaged psychologically. After the death of her parents, she has moved in with Sheriff Brackett and his daughter Annie (Laurie's friend who also bears scars on her face from her run-in with Michael). Laurie has vivid nightmares and sees a therapist regularly to help her obtain closure, something that is nearly impossible as Michael's body went missing and has not yet been found. Dr. Samuel Loomis, portrayed again by Malcolm McDowell, has attempted to cash in on his brief celebrity by writing a book about Myers and is currently busy doing press for its October 31st release. Zombie takes Loomis to a place we've never seen his character go in previous "Halloween" films--one of a man motivated by greed for financial profit and celebrity. Donald Pleasence's Loomis always radiated an intense, if strange, sense of responsibility, altruism, and urgency when dealing with the subject of Michael Myers. Here Dr. Loomis takes a severe beating on the publicity circuit as he is pretty much resoundly blamed for the events of last Halloween. Subject matter and certain revelations in Loomis' book, coupled with the return of Michael from a year of hiding in a barn, collide on that magic date in Haddonfield, IL and mayhem ensues.

What strikes me most about Zombie's story is the emphasis he has placed on Michael's motivation for stalking and brutally murdering everything and everyone in an attempt to find his sister. This is done in majestic fashion as we actually see through the killer's eyes, away from the evil and towards his mother and the child he once was himself. Zombie manages to provide eerie visualization to Michael's mission and sense of purpose. This is not simply a dead-eyed killing machine--it is a little boy that wants his family back. Michael wants to put the pieces back together and regain the only things for which he cared. Thus we see the most vicious, yet most human villain of any of the "Halloween" installments.

Bottom Line: While some purists will no doubt trash this since it was not made in 1978, "Halloween II" (2009) is a unique addition to one of the greatest horror franchises ever created. This film manages to convey the utter sense of terror and impotence of fighting a losing battle with pure evil. It is absolutely unapologetic and devoid of any hope. And it's really fucking good. Not to be missed by those wondering where all the good horror movies are nowadays.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Bloody Masks.

"Dawn of the Dead" (1978)

Title: "Dawn of the Dead"
Released: 1978

"When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth." So eloquently stated and so true in the case of this flick. In fact, this is the only plausible hypothesis set forth to explain the re-animation of corpses in this installment of George Romero's "______ of the Dead" zombie series. With the recent resurgence of zombies in popular culture (the publishing of "Breathers", "World War Z", and "Patient Zero" and the release of such films as the forthcoming "Zombieland"), I thought it would be nice to revisit one of the subgenre's classics.

Roger is a hotshot, wannabe zombie-killing bad boy who whoops and hollers like he's being jerked off by a chimpanzee every time he gets excited about his mission of stopping the undead. Peter is a black, badass warrior who luckily avoids all racial stereotypes by being able to dunk a basketball and having a grandfather in Trinidad that was a voodoo priest. Stephen is a pilot and a complete pussy who probably annoyed me less in life than he did as a zombie (sorry for the spoiler, but you just know this guy's not gonna make it). Rounding out the main cast is Francine. Her main function, other than learning to fly the helicopter, seems to be drinking wine and smoking cigarettes while pregnant. In an attempt to evade the zombies that are quickly taking over their local area, our foursome find themselves holed up in the one place that mindless people always seem to flock--a shopping mall. There they, um, kill zombies and try to stay alive. That is the beauty and simplicity of this film--there is no intricate plot, just straight-up, hardcore violence. Eventually a wannabe Hell's Angels motorcycle gang decides that they want to cohabitate with our main characters in the mall with disastrous results.

This film begs a few questions and hammers home a few key points:

-If you're going to hide out from zombies in a shopping mall, try to pick one with an indoor ice rink and a supermarket where you can buy in bulk.

-Speaking of the ice rink, zombies really suck at hockey.

-At what point do you become a liability to your zombie-killing team? I vote for whenever you get bitten and have to be carted around like a fucking baby in a makeshift Radio Flyer.

-1978 had some badass technology including the best video game graphics this side of the Atari 2600 and a pair of walkie-talkies the size of smart cars.

-Zombies seem to like intestines much better than brains.

-Zombies do not discriminate along religious lines--this flick contains a zombie nun and an undead Hare Krishna (who, by the way, resembles Marilyn Manson with no hair, blue skin, and glasses).

-Zombies are so much cooler when they amble about aimlessly. They're scarier when they can run, but cooler when they're slow.

-When motorcycle gangs aren't being generally destructive or killing/damaging others, they like to brush up on their clowning by spraying seltzer water and throwing pies into the faces of zombies.

This film is a true classic, and I'm not going to go into any thesis about the evils of consumerism and the fact that this movie takes place in a mall. After all, who doesn't want to run around an empty shopping mall? Oh, and the creepiest moment of this film has nothing to do with zombies. It occurs when Peter offers to perform an impromptu, illegal abortion on Francine.

Bottom line: One of the best zombie films ever made. Don't miss this one.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Disabled Zombie Brains.

Terror Trivia Tidbit

During preproduction of "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (1992), director Francis Ford Coppola came up with the idea that when in the presence of a being such as a vampire, the laws of physics don't work correctly. This is why shadows often seem to act independently of the figure casting them, why rats can run along a ceiling upside-down and why liquid drips up instead of down.
Source: IMDb